Tottenham vs Bremen- Player Scores- The Film Star Edition
Morning, campers. Another night of heroics at The Lane on Wednesday night, then. We seem to be getting the hang of this. The last sixteen entered with time to spare as we gallop past a rather hapless looking Bremen. Buckaroo. To ease you into your Friday, before we glance ahead to Liverpool, here’re some movie-themed player ratings from midweek. A pinch of salt in your popcorn is probably advised. Curtains, if you would.
Gomes is…Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now
Not his best work, granted. Largely due to the fact that he spends much of the film unseen but for a few glimpses from the shadows. When he does make an appearance, though, you remember why he’s the daddy and not, say, Colin Farrell. (6/10)
Hutton is…Sean Connery in The Rock
Again, not a vintage outing from the Scot- it’s no Bond. But who are we to argue with a man willing to dangle an FBI agent over a balcony from thirty stories with a bit of zip-cord. Good with explosive bursts when the need arises, too. (6.5/10)
Assou-Ekotto is… Michael Keaton in Beetlejuice
I literally don’t know what he’s going to do next. But terrific fun all the same. (6.5/10)
Gallas is… Gary Oldham in Batman Begins
Spent the majority of his career playing the dastardly villain (see Leon, True Romance) until his recent stint as all-round good egg, Commissioner Gordon. On the right side for once. Shows his remarkable acting chops once again here with a stalwart performance. Bravo. (7/10)
Kaboul is Dwayne Johnson in Southland Tales
Okay, mainly because he looks a bit like him. But have you seen that film? He’s actually not all tha… -alright, I give up. Kaboul was excellent and his goal was the cat’s pyjamas. Can you smell what The Rock is cooking… etc… (7.5/10)
Palacios is… definitely not Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry
One word. Tackle. His timing in such endeavours was inch-perfect on almost every occasion. To say that we’ve got our Sergeant back might be about as knee-jerky as those who were so quick to denounce him, but we’d be grateful for more of the same. Let’s just say he’s Christopher Walken. We haven’t forgiven him for Gigli or Kangaroo Jack but the other night reminded us that he was still in The Deer Hunter. And we should certainly applaud him for that. (7/10)
Lennon is… Chris Cooper in Adaptation.
Best supporting actor. While the other heavyweights battled it out for recognition on the night, it was this underrated chap who nearly stole the whole show. Some ruddy thoughtful, considered work here. Best thing he’s been in for ages. Expertise in orchids, not confirmed. (7.5/10)
Jenas is… Orson Welles in Citizen Kane
Twas only a cameo. But a bloomin’ decent one.
Pavlyuchenko is… George Clooney in Ocean’s Twelve.
An oft quality performer when he puts his mind to it. But on this submission to celluloid he remains largely on auto-pilot. Even when the chance came to knock the thing out of the park he was to be seen rolling out stinkers such as this: “If all the animals on the equator were capable of flattery, then Thanksgiving and Hallowe’en would fall on the same date.’’ Quite. (6/10)
Crouch is… Johnny Depp in Edward Scissorhands
Misunderstood. Much of the film is spent looking rather awkward and ill-at-ease in his surroundings. Amazingly, though, as well as a knack for making the opposite sex weak at the knees- he does, to a point, do what is asked of him. Skills maybe limited to rapid hairdressing and hedge-trimming, but you couldn’t deny that the man gets results. Six in six for Crouch now in the Champions League. (6.5/10)
Defoe is… Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2
He’s back. Just like he said. (6.5/10)
Bale is… Brad Pitt in Fight Club
Every club should have a player like Gareth Bale. He runs how you want to run. He crosses how you want to cross. He mixes equal parts gasoline and frozen orange juice concentrate to make napalm like you want to mix equal parts gasoline and… (8/10)
Modric is… Morgan Freeman in The Shawshank Redemption
Hollywood’s go-to-guy for bestowing your picture with a healthy dollop of class and refinement. For best results, have him narrate in slow, silky tones which make the viewer’s innards go all fuzzy. Quality bursts out of his nostrils and into your living rooms. Oscar winner. Man of the Match. Whichever, the boy’s got game. (8.25/10)
Fin.
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