Word From The Enemy: A Rip-Roaring Rendezvous With a Chelsea Fan
Something different for you good folk this morning. A conversation with self-proclaimed gentlemen, rougue- with a penchant for bottoms, drinking, womanising and scandal- and occasional Chelsea fan, Lord Topper. He once ran a blog on OleOle.com, but was forced to leave because of the revelation of said hobbies. Also, as we both remarked at the time, there were too many bleedin’ Arsenal sites around. Anyway, here he is. As with anything of this nature on the internet, take it all with a pinch of salt. Better yet, a handful.
WFRF? Ahoy-hoy. First thing’s first. As a Champions League seasoner of recent years, what’ve you made of Tottenham’s exploits on the continent thus far? A breath of fresh air or do you wish it was like the good old days when the same familiar English clubs were knocking about the place?
Lord Topper: “I think it’s great Tottenham are in the Champions League, they’ve been really entertaining and – ahem, sorry, bit of puke in my mouth -where was I? No, in all honesty, gear yourself up for disappointment – take it from a Chelsea fan. You’ll see those bright lights, exotic away games, sponsors, packed stadiums…you’ll think ‘yeah, we’ve made it,’ and then BAM it’s all over. Dreams shattered, players crying, some mumbled apology from the coach, better luck next year you think. WRONG! Next year’s even worse, but this time you drown your sorrows, you wake up a week later with no trousers in the park, you lose your job, your girlfriend leaves, you can’t pay your bills or rent, so it’s the street, the cold and unforgiving streets, a guy approaches you on the corner, says you can make good money real quick, what else have you got to lose? Next thing you know you’re giving @%^&%!!! to a dog for cash. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? WELL IS IT?!”
WFRF?: Um…I’m not sure what I want anymore. Right. Moving on. Crisis is a word bandied about quite often these days in football. We hear it just about every week at Spurs. Are the wheels really falling off at Chelsea or is talk of your demise greatly exaggerated? The goals do seemed to have dried up a bit of late. And even Malouda’s remembered to be sh*t again.
Lord Topper: “I’m not sure if ‘crisis’ is the right word, we’re 3rd in the league at the time of writing, are topping our Champions League group, and still have the FA Cup. I’d say ‘pickle’ might suit us better. It seems our youth academy has been a monumental f*ck-up; we should just start a human trafficking ring picking gifted footballers off the streets like the Child Catcher in Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang. On the subject of squads, what do you make of Tottenham’s this season? You seem to have talent in almost every position, but still that inconsistency…”
WFRF? Inconsistency? Moi? Well, yes, maybe a touch. Without wanting to make excuses… here’re some bloody good excuses. We’ve been playing most of the season without our first choice centre-back pairing, our third choice centre-back, our top scorer and countless others. Van der Vaart and Huddlestone are the latest to be struck. I’d wager most teams would wobble somewhat with that kind of drop in numbers. As you’d probably vouch for. Back to Chelsea- do you think Ancelotti’s regretting selling Ricky Carvalho? Particularly seeing as his hand was forced into playing Ferreira at CB against Sunderland a few weeks ago. And if you didn’t catch it, he was dreadful.
Lord Topper: “I had a feeling you might bring up Ferreira…It does seem strange that we were forced to rely on a player whose contributions have been limited to 90 second cameos at the end of games in a shameless attempt to run the clock down. I’ve never seen a Chelsea fan with ’19 Ferreira’ on the back of their shirt, which is telling. As for selling Carvalho? Well, he was amazing but he was – how to put this – old. Had Ancelotti decided to get rid of the oldest, (arguably) spent forces – Deco, Carvalho, Ballack etc – and replaced them, it would have been fine. But he didn’t. Anyway, enough about us – as a Tottenham fan do you ever worry that one day Ledley King will go in for a challenge and lose his leg at the knee? The camera will pan around to show his shin planted in the ground like the American flag on the moon…”
WFRF?: Steady now. This is the King of White Hart Lane you’re talking about. But, yes, I see your point. It does seem remarkable that a man can function as a top-level Premiership footballer without training during the week. Not so much of late, obviously- but last season he was almost ever-present. If his knee wasn’t held together with bits of blue-tac and Lego- he’d be one of the greatest defenders in the world. As it is, he’s just very good. His reading of the came is Moore-esque and his absence this year, in my opinion, has been the difference between us being 5th and lord knows how high. He likes a drink, too, which I dare say you’d appreciate. Rightio. Next question. If you could get shot of three of your players and replace them with three of our lot- who would they be? I’ve a feeling I could guess…
Lord Topper: “Easy. I would take Modric, Van der Vaart, and, this might surprise you, Peter Crouch. I think he can offer a lot to medical research. Only joking, he would be as good as a frolicking giraffe in the Chelsea squad. (I suggest Keane and Lord Topper goes silent for a good two-minutes, gazing off into the distance as if I’ve informed him of a death in the family) It would obviously be Bale. I’d offer in return, Salomon ‘miss-from-three-yards’ Kalou, Jon Obi ‘can’t-shoot-from-ten-yards-but-I’ll-try-from-forty’ Mikel, and Paulo ‘lion-heart’ Ferreira. You’ll probably want a receipt for those. Right, let’s talk tactics. Would you agree that Redknapp’s strengths aren’t so much tactical football, but excels as a man-manager and is shrewd in the transfer market? From an outside perspective it often seems that Tottenham adopt a temperamental approach to football, with occasional flashes of brilliance but often muddled and unsure. Is that a fair assessment – Tottenham as some sort of idiot-savant, who on the surface of things mutters and dribbles, but if you sit him next to a piano might play a Chopin concerto? “
WFRF?: Perhaps ‘idiot-savant’ is a bit strong for a team who’ve just qualified for the last 16 of the Champions League at the first attempt while breaking numerous records along the way. You might have read about that? No? But it is true to say that ‘tactics’ are the stick with which Harry’s critics use most to beat him. He famously told Pavlyuchenko to ’round around a bit’ when coming on as a sub against Liverpool in Redknapp’s first season. Van der Vaart also recently admitted that the tactics board in the changing room was rarely, if ever, used. And much has been made of the ‘arm round the shoulder’ approach he’s used in coaxing form out of the seemingly finished. Which, in some cases, has been tantamount to raising the dead. Most notably of course with Bale. That said, I think it’s all a bit of a ruse, really. You simply don’t get a win ratio like that (better than Bill Nicholson, albeit in a much shorter period) without some kind of knowledge of the game or, so called, ‘tactics’. Anyway, what’s wrong with just facking kicking it inna goal? I think Acelotti could learn a lot from our ‘Arry. Here’s one. Another double or Champions League?
Lord Topper: “As Christina Aguilera once put it ‘my body’s saying ‘let’s go’, but my heart is saying ‘no”, I struggle to think of truer words in the English language. I think what I mean to say is, I’d be happy with any trophy this season, frankly. Talk of domestic doubles seems delusional given our current form, but as for the Champions League? You just have to watch Barcelona make mincemeat of their opposition on any given Saturday/Sunday afternoon to know that we don’t have the squad. If you look at Xavi, Iniesta, Messi, Villa, Alves, it would be hard to offer a parallel from our Chelsea squad. Not that I’m complaining. It’s just that we don’t have eight World Cup winners in ours. Or maybe Malouda will decide that’s he’s the new Pele and sort it out. “
WFRF?: Barcelona have been a bit tasty of late. The recent El Classico was the best team performance I’ve seen since Spurs beat Hereford United 5-1 in an F.A Cup third-round replay in 1996. Yes. Replay. We couldn’t beat them at the first time of asking. But a Sheringham hat-trick showed them what was what in the return. Ah, the glory days. Where did they go? It’s strange that you say that about Chelsea, as one of the things they were said to have going for them this season was squad depth. Cole gets injured, Zhirkov come in etc. With a few key injuries, though, and the new boys not exactly hitting the ground running (Benayoun won’t be running anywhere for a while) suddenly it doesn’t looks so rosy. Ramires- who I had/have high hopes for- is playing like Didier Zokora with some of his vital brain tissue removed. Having said that, as you mention, you’re not exactly short on quality once Lampard, Essien et al get a wriggle on. So how do you see the game going on Sunday? We’ve got a pretty decent record against you at WHL.
Lord Topper: “Chelsea are due to shift back into the toppiest of gears, let’s hope this starts at White Hart Lane, which, as you say, has always been a ball-ache for us. Nevertheless, I’ll give a conservative match prediction of 0-3 to us. That’s a Ramires hat-trick by the way. I ran an analysis through the science machine (Xbox) and it generated a Chelsea 6-0 win, but as with any science, this can only be disproven. There’s rumours that Redknapp will be poached from Tottenham to man the sinking ship, HMS England. Do you think that will incite Daniel Levy to give Spurs fans what they really want? Paul Gascoigne as manager?”
WFRF? If Paul Gascoigne is the answer- then, quite frankly, I don’t even want to know what the question is. I’ll have to politely disagree with your forecast and plump for a well-fought 1-0 win for us. Ramires with an own-goal off his ear. Anyway thanks for your time, my liege. It’s been a pleasure. Where should I tell folk to direct their hate mail?
Oh, he’s gone.
**If you’d like to hear more from Lord Topper, then click here to read his excellent memoirs, Lord Topper’s Rehabilitation on his Facebook page. They’re really ruddy bloody good.**
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