(Belated) England Player Ratings: The Frozen Food Edition

England were knocked out of the European Championships by Iceland on Monday night which, I think we can all agree, is not ideal. Here’re some player ratings from the disastrous evening, taking the form of items from Iceland’s frozen food range:

Joe Hart

Convincingly thumped away close-range efforts in each half but the game won’t be remembered for those flashes of routine competence. With wrists as strong as cooked spaghetti, Hart unforgivably allowed Kolbeinn Sigthorsson’s tame shot to roll under his hand after just 18 minutes. The England number one’s immediate response was to wallop himself about the head, presumably in an attempt to wake himself up from what he hoped was just a bad dream. No such luck. Rating: Frozen Spaghetti Bolognaise (for one).

Kyle Walker

From Cafu to Pascal Cygan in the blink of an eye. From one of the tournament’s most assured right-backs to a confusing fug of nervous energy and bad decisions. Lost his man for Iceland’s first goal and was habitually caught out of position. Even his forays into the opposition half lacked any hint of assuredness or conviction. Spurs fans watching at home would’ve been overwhelmed with a sense of nostalgia. Vintage Kyle Walker, that. Rating: Half-eaten Jumbo Tempura Prawns

Danny Rose

Marginally better than Walker, but that’s barely a compliment. Showed at least some degree of urgency, as the true extent of England’s nightmare began to reveal itself. Any encouraging advances made down the left flank, however, were invariably sucked into a black hole of a poor end product and the surrendering of possession. Rating: Very Mild Peri Peri Chicken Skewers

Chris Smalling

Managed to be England’s best defender but still look hugely unconvincing against Iceland. That’s quite an effort. Won plenty of aerial duels but wasn’t able reconfigure his forehead to attack-mode at the death as he bungled England’s final effort on goal.   Rating: Frozen Chicken and Bacon Twisters (bacon missing).

Gary Cahill

Iceland were kept at arm’s length for large swathes of the game. The fact that they managed to score twice is perhaps an indication that what little Cahill did have to cope with, he did so with less than resounding success. Looked a broken man at the final whistle. Rating: Frozen Chicken Pakoras (box damaged).

Dele Alli

Well, I tried, didn’t I? Goddamnit, at least I did that. As well as asking the question: are online sports books legal ?, Dele Alli might take some solace from Randal P. McMurphy’s poignant words, but there’s no escaping that this was another sub-standard evening’s work from the Spurs youngster. Looked most likely to do something, but, in the end, that something turned out to be nothing. Rating: Half-defrosted Duck Spring Rolls

Raheem Sterling

What little dregs of confidence might’ve been swilling around inside Raheem Sterling before the game, must have all but vaporised now. At less than 5’6″ tall and weighing only slightly more than a small child, the habit of trying to run through a large Scandinavian defender, was always likely to face problems. Won the penalty, hooked at half-time. The story of Sterling’s glorious comeback. Rating: Frozen Mozzarella Sticks

Wayne Rooney

Exasperatingly poor. Buried the penalty with some gusto, but other than that it was an evening of misplaced passes, long-rang diagonals so telegraphed he might as well have announced them over the P.A system and one big red annoyed face. Rooney continuously poured concrete into the gears of England’s attack, with his ponderous ball recycling. I have a compost bin at home that does it job with more haste. Rating: Out-of-date Chicken Tikka Samosa

Eric Dier

Nothing glaringly bad; perhaps could’ve tracked his man a little tighter in the build-up to Iceland’s second. According to experts betting sports online,  England should’ve been able to cope without a defensive screen and that’s perhaps why he was sacrificed at half-time, rather than anything catastrophic he might’ve done. His worst game for England by some margin, mind. Rating: 420g Bag of Cocktail Sausage Rolls

Harry Kane

An alarmingly sh*t evening for the Premier League’s Golden Boot Winner, in what has been a hugely disappointing tournament. All your favourites were on show last night; woeful set-pieces, running aimlessly into dead-ends, sloppy passing, bad positioning. Did manage one thunderous volley in the first-half which was well tipped over by Halldorsson. Also smashed a free-kick around a goal’s width wide, which was perhaps more reflective of his performance. Rating: Over-cooked Chicken Goujons

Daniel Sturridge

Some nice touches and flourishes but spent far too much time in ineffective areas. What good is having your best finisher camped on the right-wing, or, in some cases, covering at right-back? Sturridge also has an annoying habit of slowing play down by fronting up his man at walking speed and then taking an age to make his next move. Altering the tempo can be an effective strategy, it lets the opposition think you’re in control— and illusion that didn’t work on Iceland, as it goes. Sturridge took things to excess and often reduced England’s attacks to a standstill.Rating : Cheese-less Mini Deep-dish Pizzas.

Goodnight, Europe. It’s been emotional.